Adapted for the Internet from:

Why God Doesn't Exist


    Some time around 1915, Einstein solved the riddle of gravity once and for all. The reason Mercury rolls around the Sun has
    to do with a depression in (flat?) 4-D space-time. Mercury orbits the Sun like a 3-D ball orbits a 3-D roulette.

    The mechanics couldn't live with this explanation for gravity and began to develop their own theories a few years later. The
    micro-mathematicians proposed ever more irrational mechanisms, to wit: reverse motion, many worlds, and pushing gravity
    (among others). This trend was predictable. If billiard-ball physics ever predicted anything it was that everything had to be
    explained in terms of one force: the force of push. A particle can only moon-walk, attack you from the future, or keep your
    escape velocity in check by flattening you against the surface of Earth. You just have to put a minus sign somewhere in your
    equation. The people at Quantum have yet to discover the force of pull.

    The mathematicians of String Theory (ST) couldn't live with either of these two 'breathtaking' currents and decided to carve
    a niche in the untapped 'line' market. The new breeds coming out of college invented their own version of gravity -- in fact,
    two of them -- and suspiciously very similar if not exactly like the versions concocted by relativists and mechanics.  The
    relativistic version of ST gravity has it thatinvisible Planck-length long strings stretch, shrink, and loop around as needed
    for the instant theory, and then interlock with other strings to form a grand cosmic chain-mail. Then it's just standard
    ball-on-canvas relativity. The quantum version of ST gravity has it that all particles and forces of the Standard Model as well
    as empty space are ultimately vibrating strings. Then, it's just standard negative-momentum, other worlds, reverse time travel,
    and pushing gravity mechanics. Yes, I fear that, like Europe, this much touted 'union' will remain a 'confederation' for a long
    time to come.

    The idiots of String Theory still have not decided which of these versions of gravity their theory 'predicts,' but the truly
    amusing part comes at the start of the presentation when you ask the stupid moron to point to a sculpture of a 1-D string!
    He clears his throat, begins a long winded explanation, and writes a hundred equations on the board. So you sit back, eat
    popcorn, and watch how the scholar makes a total ass of himself for the next three hours. Where else can you have as
    much fun these days?
We should string
them all up!

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